How can you live in the now with so much ambition?
Everything has become one constant to-do list. For someone who wants time to get to do what they love, and is working on a passion-project, I have come to a point that with the amount of ideas that I have, projects I am currently working on, projects I have coming up… I have drowned myself with a never-ending list of goals and things I want to have complete. I never not have anything going on. “When do I not have something to do?” is something I usually tell my boyfriend. And although I love what my brand represents, I don’t like the feeling of having 10 thousand things I plan to accomplish hovering over me.
The realization that times goes by so fast gives me anxiety. I wonder if there are any other creatives out there suffering with this same anxiety I am. I know recently I found out my favorite podcast host admitted to having anxiety from work-overload. Most of the time, the anxiety I get is stress produced, feeling like there is so much to get done, and like I am moving at SNAIL PACE. But yesterday I had a different type of anxiety. It was fourth of July & I couldn’t tell if it was this new workout routine I was doing that had my body super hyper and wanting to move, or if I was too excited for my promotional campaign to launch the next day. I guess it was both; a combination of adrenaline rush with a need to move my body and work out.
Today was the opposite, things didn’t go as expected; I didn’t go viral on Instagram, I didn’t gain a substantial amount of notice to my contest, so I took it personally & felt… a little like a failure. I even started to question whether or not I was bipolar. I thought that my extreme high yesterday and dropped down low today was abnormal and worthy of a mental evaluation. But with everything I have going on, it’s almost normal that I feel this way. I’ve taken up a big responsibility, after all I am trying to grow a personal brand from the ground up while still managing my everyday responsibilities, self-care, and valuable time spent with family & friends. I had the realization this morning that my life is so young, I’m only 22. I create but I’m not an expert, and I will never be an expert. I have felt the pressure on social media, that in order to be someone, in order to be noticed, you have to be influential material, in other words: you have to be an expert.
Even if you’re not a content creator, just by having daily life responsibilities and a massive amount of options of media to consume directly at your fingertips (a.k.a your phone) you are exposed to media overload. I open up my phone because I want to write down a thought for example, or I want to get something accomplished on there, and immediately get distracted with the amount of apps I have available; notification here, notification there… oh shit what did I want to do again? Why did I unlock my phone in the first place? I don’t know. I am completely unaware.
I know some people feel this way too when they look at their phones, I know some people feel this way when they’re on social media. Being a creator and knowing that there’s so much content out there to consume, I’m thankful for the people that read me. I’m very conscious of what I consume nowadays because I want to make sure that the creators I am consuming from are actually adding value to my life, not just distracting me or taking up my time. It’s not to say that I don’t enjoy shows, movies or things of that nature for pure entertainment, I just don’t consume it everyday & I don’t consume mindlessly.
Today I checked out a blog that I’ve been meaning to check out for a while now, & there was a blog post that said something like this “I have spent way too long thinking about where to go, what to do and how to do it. What I should’ve been thinking is about what I want, how I feel and how I can make it better.” - Ellen (The Forward Idea) This little quote resonated so much with me, I can see that some if not most, of my anxiety stems from having all these ideas of things I want to do, and not actually putting them out in the universe and creating them. For example, I’ve been wanting to have a beach bonfire for the looongest. Instead of just texting my friends so that we can come up with a time and date, and make ACTUAL PLANS, it's just been living in my head. Instead, I’ve been thinking about posting it on my Instagram story… using a particular image for the post… occupying my calendar with other stuff to do so that when we do come up with the plan, I have just one good day to do it. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? It’s like I’m trying to perfect everything but in a self-sabotaging way. I need to just do what I want to do, and put myself out there. Life isn’t perfect anyway, it isn’t filtered. And I don’t want to be stressed out over-planning something that I originally just wanted for pure joy and connection with friends.
Let it be, let it happen, do it and put yourself out there. If you have ambition anxiety all you have to do is prioritize your responsibilities and start. If you want to learn in depth how to do this, my favorite book by far for mindful living is The Bullet Journal Method.
p.s: moving your body is so important! I would strongly suggest adding in your favorite physical work outs to your weekly routine, as sometimes not moving and being inactive can contribute to a feeling of mental fatigue from overworking the mind.